But I just want to say, publicly, that I am really, really happy.
This is a fun meme I borrowed from bright_lights28 !
I picked 35 things (OK so I think it's actually 36 - because this first one is just all too all-encompassing to even count as a thing) that I feel best represent who I am, and I'd love to see what you guys come up with! What do you think of my choices? What are yours? And which ones do we have in common?
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Word Count: 606
Spoilers: Through 4x04
Summary: On the flight to NYC, Blaine works through all his guilt and anxiety.
Note: I was just devastated by 4x04 and I had to get into Blaine’s head and understand the emotional turmoil he went through before arriving in NYC.
Blaine cries through the whole flight to New York. Silently. Though his tears don’t disturb the other passengers, as he wipes them one by one from his eyes, he’s glad no one came to claim the adjoining seat.
He’s a cheater - a lousy, no good, despicable cheating, cheater. He replays the moment over and over again and though he is painfully aware of his agency in it, it feels so foreign to him. It’s as if he’s watching someone else’s life. Never in a million years did he think he could ever do this to Kurt.
He’s betrayed the only person who truly matters to him.
It was just that every call to Kurt over the last few weeks went straight to voicemail or was short, stilted and awkward. He absolutely understood Kurt’s exciting new life, and how important it was for him to experience everything New York had to offer. God, he really did. But that didn’t ease the sting of blatantly ignored calls, unreturned voicemails and, perhaps worst of all, conversations where Kurt wasn’t listening to a single word he said. It didn’t soothe the longing to be held and to hold nor did it erase the pain of so many conspicuously dropped “I love you’s”
It – the thing he would come to refer to as the worst decision of his life - had all happened in the blink of an eye, as a temporal reaction to the attention being paid to him. Besides performing, there were very few things as thrilling to Blaine as being called ‘sexy’ again and none more intoxicating than being wanted by someone.
The regret was immediate and the fulfillment non-existent. It was wrong, it was just so wrong. Eli was cute and funny and there – but fuck – he wasn’t Kurt. His touches had no emotion to support them and his words were hollow shells.
He peers out the window; the plane is now far above the clouds. He sighs. What else could he have expected from a hookup?
But now there’s just this pain in the pit of his stomach. It hurts so incredibly bad, and it hasn’t even been there a full day before he rushes to the airport and buys a plane ticket because he can’t live with the guilt and the shame. He can’t live with what he’s done.
He’s so incredibly, genuinely sorry for his thoughts and his actions, but he can’t undo them. He can’t un-share the parts of himself that he shared with a meaningless, almost complete stranger. In fact, the only thing he can think to do, for his sake and for the sake of the amazing love he truly believes they have, is to throw himself on the mercy of the court.
On his way to find an airport cab, he buys the biggest bunch of roses he can find at a gift shop.
It doesn’t take long for Kurt to notice. When he does, all Blaine can do is pray that Kurt can forgive him. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday.
Grabbed from bright_lights28
1. What is more difficult for you, looking into someone's eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone's eyes when they are telling you how they feel?
25 DEEP QUESTIONS - choose any of these and comment with the number and I'll answer it. Also, please post it yourself so I can ask you questions too!
2. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way?
3. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them?
4. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid?
5. You can have one of the following two things - Love and Trust. Which do you choose? Why?
6. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dog's life? Why or why not?
7. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most?
8. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say?
9. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or why not?
10. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend?
11. Does love = sex?
12. Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or why not?
13. When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person?
14. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex you love them or that you do not love them back?
15. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose?
16. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them? Who were they to you?
17. If there was one moment and one time in the last month, what would you change and why?
18. Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you?
19. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not?
21. You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision?
22. Are you old fashioned?
23. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it?
24. Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why?
25. If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be?
( It's been ages since she thought of him as her raggedy Doctor, but here he is again in all his glory and sadness. Suddenly, she too is little Amelia Pond once more, sat on her suitcase in the back garden, hanging on the words of a mad man with a box. Her mad man.Collapse )
Don't forget to post this in your own journal so I can compliment you, too! :]